Father-Wounds

Do you have them?

At the outset, I must say that I think anyone who has heard any part of my story knows that I still tenderly and fiercely love my dad. He is human and fallible just like all the rest of us. His pursuits have wounded me – actually more specifically, it’s the outcome of his ideas about God. But that wounding is not because he set out to harm. Even in the twisted mess that remains, I know he loves me – not perfectly, but as a dad who has a tender spot for his daughter. In the yuck, it’s important to remember that wounders are already wounded, and their intentions may actually be good in their own minds while their brokenness wrecks havoc. It’s easy to paint “VILLIAN” on the whole person, but misguidedness is healable and God is Redeemer. We need to be honest and admit that there are unholy variables tripping up even the “best of us.” As Rich Mullins says, “our misguided piety.”

One person holds tightly to a vitally important aspect of theology and judges another’s experiential faith as inferior. Another lassos anyone who uses the word “theology” into the detested starch bin. In my case, it seems many people have assumed my remaining love for my dad is all unhealthy codependency, and they camp in “holy” anger toward him. None of this is listening to the pounding heart of Jesus burning for unity and overcoming. We prefer tidy boxes of our own limited understanding to the absolutely wild mystery of God. We see so little, really. I’m just one small person with limited experience and love. BUT GOD sees it all as clear as crystal – the complete big picture and all the minute motives. And He’s doing more than watching – He’s actually working it all like a master chess player to show that He’s the BEST, and that His kindness is on our side.

“But HOW can you say that?!” you may ask. How would kindness include deep wounding? Would Job testify that God is kind? Look at him! God singles him out and brings him to Satan’s attention. What sort of kindness is that?! What hero says to the villain, “Hey, check out my friend”? But there you have it – God proving Job’s faith by allowing the dog to sick ‘em.

And there, my friend, is where I must start. Even though this intro may seem to have nothing to do with father-wounds. I must give you a peek at what I firmly believe to be the last chapter – “Restoration” – before I start the book. It’s what makes father-wounds something other than the last word. God, my Father, and the keeper of my dad, has the last Word.

So, on to the topic. I could start a list of all the woundings I’ve experienced through my dad, but I think it’s most important to zoom out and look at the reason any wounding from a father cuts so deep.

Fathers were designed by God as pictures of the fatherly aspect of Himself. Protector, Provider, Safe Judge, King. Identity-giver, Mr. Strong. Willing to give His life for His family, even when they’re rotten. Earthly fathers are supposed to mirror this. When they don’t, when they put their own agendas, best interests, even some convictions over the well-being of their family, wounding results. The fact is that a false idea of God is the worst thing for people, resulting in wounds because it is a marring of God’s image. And that’s what results when a man is his own god in any way, running his own kingdom.

In my case, the misrepresentation was done not just in general, but in the name of God. I guess that’s really pretty common inside religion – using God as moralist to form a sterile fortress of supposed holiness. But added to this was special revelation that completely took over and eclipsed Jesus, also separating us from His people. Explaining it all and telling the whole story is beyond possible here. But the woundings from moralism, joined with the fallout of years of empty disappointment, painted for me a picture of God that He was at best impossible to please, completely deaf, and required repeated blood sacrifices for nothing. Hope was a bad word – it meant more empty years of sacrifice and meticulous explaining of why this time didn’t work and next time might. No promise. Just dry heaving. For years. Try that on for size from about age 16 to 29. Bleak.

When I had to leave, I was burned to the core, thoroughly confused, and incapacitated for living. That’s not supposed to be the outcome of loyalty to a father. The layers of wounding were so deep. All I had to pull from was my cherished memory of the Jesus I knew in childhood. No definitions of Him. Just Him.

Breathe…

So here I sit, age 45, single, no paper-member of a church, healed in ways I never dreamed possible, but still broken in ways I also never would have anticipated. And I realize that what I hold on to is still the same. No definition of Jesus (although I LOVE rich understanding). No theological bone I’m ready to fight and die for. But doggedly loyal to the Love that won me in childhood and still holds my heart.

And my dad? He’s still waiting for what he believes in. Is that a remaining wound for me? Not so much personally, though I still yearn for his restoration. I’ve had to throw my broken self on God. I’ve had to hear Him say that He has not taken my dad from me – that He is only refining real love. I’ve had to hear that the shattering of what should have been my fathering God picture is just that – a picture. The reality is God Himself, and no broken picture ultimately limits me from experiencing true Fatherhood.

I have not been permanently cheated. Just like all of us, I’ve had my burnables thrown into the fire. The loss has at times taken my breath away. But the end goal is Jesus. Not protecting flammable pictures.

God gave me the father I needed. The one who would teach me that anything but Love is flammable. That moralism is flammable. That hard-core quests dead-end. That God takes care of the children who get burned. From my cherished childhood memories, my dad-picture also taught me that hard work with family is the best fun you can have, standing alone is important sometimes, and true freedom is safe. Faith is paramount, single Valentine carnations are priceless, and daddy’s girls are so happy.

Father-wounding is nothing but God-image gone awry. God-reality heals. Love bears all things – even fallout brokenness. It does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth – even the hard truth. It hopes and never fails. Sometimes I think about how I would want my daughter to deal with me if I were my dad. I would want healing for her, and lots of space; but I would wish that love would protect her heart from bitterness. Bitterness for me has been perhaps like a too-big wad of horseradish. It’s burned and given me a bad taste and a good gag. It’s on my “don’t revisit” list. But I do love wasabi. And I look for God to make the bitter on my plate a healthy relish for the other delicious foods He has given or will bring.  

Jesus asked for another way if there was one. I’ve certainly choked on the way He chose for me. But I can’t help but be convinced that depths and riches have been the outcome of my father-wounds. That hope and compassion have resulted. That my struggle has a place. That God, my true Father, has ordained on purpose the bitter herb. That He will use it as black velvet lining in my eternal box of treasures.

Have you been wounded by a father? Is his picture one you’ve stored, trashed, or framed? Whatever the case, however smiling or abusive, your picture is just that – a picture of a man who has fallen short. Only God, the true Reality, is able to be just that – perfect Reality.

I want to suggest something. Ask God to be right with you as you think of one of your own father-wounds. Say, “I forgive you, dad, for misrepresenting God to me in this way:_____.” Ask God if you have projected that faulty image on Him. If so, ask Him to forgive you for believing this ugliness, and ask Him what is true. Let Him show you what a true Father is.

I’m blown away by the tenderness of God, and the ability of the Holy Spirit to show us deep things inside ourselves, separating truth from error. What we believe about Him becomes the God-image we ourselves project. He wants to be seen for Who He really is – the God of heaven and earth who humbled Himself to claim broken people with love and fill them with His own grace and indwelling Spirit.

From this zoom-out perspective of redemption, the father-wounds that seemed impossible to overcome are swallowed up in Love. Love that proves and approves the children of God and brings them to victory in steps. May the God of all peace, our tender Father, pour grace on every wound and turn it to soft ground, fruitful soil, and unimagined treasure.